rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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