did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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