The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
