Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize