She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
