Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
