and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
