my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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