why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
