She said her name was "party"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
