Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
