Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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