can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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