You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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