My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize