dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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