Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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