i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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