we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
