hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
