Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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