I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
