Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
