I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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