I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
