I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
