he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
