What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
