Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
