youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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