My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
