Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
