I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She told me I should be a condom model.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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