The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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