Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
