Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
