somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
