i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
