I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
