i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
