Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
