My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
