Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she looked like the before picture.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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