The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
