I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
