This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
