I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
