I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
