when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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