I cannot find my penis.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
