Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
