The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Congratulations! We have a period
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize