drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
