guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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