just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
