Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
