dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
