I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
