The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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