Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
