quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
