I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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