so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
