I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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