life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
