textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
