Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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