You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
