Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
