after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
